Changing Places
Making Your Way through a House Move
‘What has therapy got to do with estate agents’ I hear you ask! I met Adam, an independent estate agent at a small business networking event recently where we geeked out about how therapy and well-being tools can support us through the process of moving house. When I think about mid-life stress, moving house is right up there! As a result of our conversation I thought it’d be interesting to share a bit more information about why moving is often so stressful, and what we can do about it. Because I’m a total therapy nerd I obviously decided to write a blog about it. I hope you enjoy it!
P.S Hastings & St Leonards folk – If you are thinking about moving then do check out Adam’s website, he is a good egg 🙂
Three reasons why moving is so stressful – and how to Make Your Way through it.
1 – Uncertainty
Us humans love certainty because we like to know what’s coming (or at least maintain the illusion that we know what’s coming!). We struggle with change, even positive change, because it inevitably leads to uncertainty.
When we are feeling unsure our minds can go into over-drive trying to anticipate different scenarios. Because our bodies react to imagined scenarios not just real ones then we can find ourselves feeling stressed and anxious as a result.
2 – It’s out of our hands
In some situations our anxiety about the unknown might prompt us into taking action to gain some control over the outcome. However when it comes to moving house often we are largely out of control. It’s in the hands of others – sometimes a very long line of others – the chain, the seller, the solicitors, the estate agent, the bank…..
3 – It’s really important to us
Moving house is often really laden with emotion – it really matters to us. Big emotions can sweep us off our feet and carry us away on a wave of despair, anger, fear, sadness or disappointment. These big feelings only show up when something really matters to us and so it’s common for moving home to trigger some strong emotions.
A recipe for stress
To summarise then, we’ve got something hugely important to use, alongside loads of uncertainty about how it’s going to go, and there’s very little we can do about it! If that’s not a recipe for stress then I don’t know what is.
So what can I do about it? Can therapy or tools from the therapy room help?
Happily there are some things that you can do to help you navigate this challenging time.
1. Focus on the things that are within your control and try to let the rest go (easier said than done but read on for some ideas to try).
I like the serenity prayer as a reminder for this:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can change
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The only things we really have any level of control over are what we say and what we do. Concentrating on practical things can provide a sense of achievement (e.g sorting paperwork, decluttering, taking unwanted items to the charity shop). Also remember to engage in some of the things you enjoy to help balance out the stress.
2. Practice bringing your mind back to the here-and now
When we get caught up in worrying about and trying to predict the future, or going over and over the past, rehashing it with ‘if onlys’ then we can completely lose touch with the present moment.
As the present moment is the only place that we are actually able to take action, learning to ground yourself in the here-and-now can really help. A simple (but not always easy!) tool I like is this 5-4-3-2-1 exercise. You can do it anywhere and it only takes a few seconds (but take longer if you like/can). Wherever you are:
Notice 5 things you can see (colours, shapes, shades, sizes etc)
Notice 4 sounds you can hear
Notice 3 sensations you can feel
Notice 2 fragrances you can smell
Notice 1 flavour you can taste
3. Activate your parasympathetic system (the ‘rest and digest’ to your ‘fight and flight’ mode)
Relaxing and soothing your body lets your mind know that things are OK. Taking a few slow, deep breaths can kickstart this process. Maybe experiment with breathing in through your nose for a count of 4 and out for a count of 6. If this doesn’t feel good for you then play around and find a rhythm that works. It can be extra nice to allow your shoulders to drop and release any tension as you exhale too.
This is where self-knowledge comes in really handy because what might be relaxing for me might drive you up the wall! So rather than make suggestions about things to try, I’ll put out the invitation for you to think about what helps you to relax. What makes you feel calmer? What helps you to unwind?
4. Be gentle with yourself
We’ve already acknowledged that moving can be an emotive experience that takes a lot out of us – emotionally, physically and mentally. It’s important to make adjustments where possible to accommodate that. Listen to what your body needs – have an early night, go for a walk, talk to a friend or loved one.
Think about what you’d say or do for a loved one if they were going through a tough time and treat yourself to some of that compassion and care.
